My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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