I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
