A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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