i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Sext me about skeletons
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
