the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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