His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
