She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
