I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
