I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
