just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Randomize
