Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
