Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
