Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
