he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
