Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
