i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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