i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
