every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Randomize
