I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
even my farts smell like vagina
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
