My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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