Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
