Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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