I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
