Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
