I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
