I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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