the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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