our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
