Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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