I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
The Olympian is in my bed
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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