woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
