found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
