meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
