...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
