apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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