i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
