She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
