i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Do vagina's smell?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
