fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
