I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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