i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
