I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
