my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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