Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
