she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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