Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
