im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
