im so drunk with asians
where?
always
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize