Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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