a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
