I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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