I'm sorry my penis didn't work
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
