does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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