people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
