So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
