Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
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