i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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