we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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