The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize