Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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