I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He passed out mid-signature
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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