I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Farmville is her only friend.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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